If you follow my mom’s blog then you will know I spent Saturday limping and groaning around Asbury Park looking dead as can be. If not… now you know. That was my first Zombie Walk. Needless to say, next time one comes lurching up I’m there.
But even besides the walk I’ve been having a zombie-filled week. On purpose of course: I needed to prepare. I watched Shaun of the Dead 1 and ¾ times (I was too tired to finish it the first time) and dragged my mom to Zombieland on Friday. If you haven’t seen it yet and enjoy the undead, I highly recommend it. Oh, and I even planned on watching Dawn of the Dead (Snyderized) last night but I had some studying to do.
Even though I love this genre of film dearly, whether serious survival adventure or goofy gut buster (literally), I always end up thinking morbidly about if I ever could pull through this sort of apocalypse. And I tend to reach this conclusion: No. I’d be an easy appetizer.
Here’s the deal (minor spoiler alert ahead*). In Zombieland, one of the main characters, Columbus, has rules on how to survive. Number one is cardio. Now, I’m not terribly out of shape but I do have asthma. Sounds like I’m in a bit of trouble, right? Well if the zombies are runners, that is. Hobblers I can take. Columbus also has IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome); I have Crohn’s disease. Though he manages, if I couldn’t get my meds, I have the feeling I’d be an easy catch. And there’s his rule number three to consider: beware of bathrooms. But since he could deal, I guess I’d be all right (no more spoilers after this point :] ).
Another reason, and this is a kicker: I have never fired any sort of gun. Not even a paintball gun. Oh, wait, I lied: I’ve fired a Nerf gun many times. So other than sniper mode in Star Wars Battlefront II and Nerf wars, I’m assuming Gov. Patterson has better aim than I do (don’t groan, SNL rips on that guy every other week). Seriously, I most likely couldn’t hit water if I fell off of a boat. Plus, psychologically, zombies are probably more than I can handle. I lose my cool over research papers. Flesh eating family and friends? Yeah… I’d be a goner.
If you think this is paranoia, you should have met me three summers ago when I was introduced to the undead. Talk about a wreck. I constructed a survival plan and bought the Zombie Survival Guide. Almost had a heart attack when I had to stay in a house in North Carolina for a week with no TV and radio. “What if the outbreak starts?! We won’t know!” I suppose if you’ve read this far, you’ll probably be back to laugh at my pathetic arse. I don’t blame you. My mom continues to bust on me for it.
But I still love zombies. Just the concept, and all of the literary and cinematic magic they inspire… It’s the kind of genre that allows you to scream and then laugh later (even if it does takes years of reassuring that the idea is fictional… right?). Plus, who doesn’t love a man kicking brain-hungry butt in a snakeskin jacket… I love you Woody Harrelson. ;]
All in all, I have an 85% love, 15% hate relationship with mindless cannibals. I’ve had many a nightmare about them but I cannot and probably will never get enough.
*I will always do this. If there is one thing I hate more than people on their cell phones at the cinema, it’s when folks blurt out spoilers. I almost wrote an angry letter to Rosie O’Donnell about blowing the ending of Fight Club ON PURPOSE even though it happened a decade before I found out. That is THE biggest wrongdoing in my book in terms of movie etiquette.
em, i am so proud of you for doing this... you have a unique voice and i look forward to hearing it in this format...
ReplyDeleteand, yes, wegman's will forever be to me our refuge against the zombies in case of an outbreak... i thank you for having my back on this when i was vulnerable and uneducated about the threat! :P
and thanks for being a great movie buddy! xoox
Thanks. :] And totally. You've seen how they're even preparing now with the wood blocking the windows. They know. Plus, that's my duty. Someone has to be the educator in terms of undead safety. I'm free for movies whenever. ;]
ReplyDeleteWegmans? As in the grocery store? Cool. I went to a Wegmans for the first time across from my hotel in Fredricksburg last week. I would have relaxed and stayed longer had I known I was safe! Virginia seems like it would be a haven for zombies.
ReplyDeleteNice post Em. :)
i hope I have such a good relationship with my daughter someday! Great blog. Clever writing! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHey em, I found you from your mom's blog. Have you seen the original "Night of the Living Dead," and the original "House on Haunted Hill" and "Ghost Story." If you haven't seen these, you're in for a treat. I love scary movies. This is a particular interest I share with my 25 y/o daughter. Love to have a good fright! Oh, and love, love, love Edward Norton. He's a Maryland boy. His grandparents developed the planned community of Columbia, Maryland. Talk to you soon. Looking forward to new posts!
ReplyDeleteUncle Rich, I swear, you should check one out more next time. They're virtually perfect zombie defense locations.
ReplyDeleteLorelei, Thank you very much. :]
Barbara, I have seen Night of the Living Dead but not the other two. Now, I must. And Edward Norton is amazing haha. That's pretty awesome about his grandparents. Thanks for reading. :D
Girl! You are too funny! Love to see you and your mom share your love for art and expression through writting.
ReplyDeleteOk, enough of the fluff. First off, I love your photo at the top of your blog. I'm guessing "Fight Club". Am I right, did I win the grand prize? And I doubt you'd be an appetizer for all of your family to indulge on. I bet you could tear them up with that Nerf gun just load it with steel balls instead and shoot right for the head. "Shawn of the Dead" is awesome. I had to skip over your talk about "Zombieland" since I haven't seen it yet. It looks super funny. You've gotta see "28 Days Later" if you haven't already and my hubby saw "Dead Snow" which is a foreign zombie flick and he said it rocked. Great to see you have a blog now. Can't wait to see what else you'll be talking about for the Halloween holiday.
Haha thanks. Yes, that is Edward Norton in Fight Club. My favorite movie of all time. :] You win the knowledge that you are super cool for recognizing it. :P I never though outside the box with Nerf, I'll have to write that tip down. Let me know what you think of Zombieland when you see it, yeah? I think you'll like it. I have seen 28 Days Later, and Weeks as well. but my favorite scene in Weeks was the first. Coincidently that scene was the only scene directed by the original guy, Danny Boyle. Maybe I need to give it a second chance. Sadly I only heard about Dead Snow. That came out around the same time as Pontypool (a Canadian zombie flick), I think. I didn't get to see that one either. It opened in one theater in the whole country. Shame indie films don't get more showtime.
ReplyDeleteHey Em. Its Joe.
ReplyDeleteI totally forgot to comment here when I read it before and I just ended up going over this post again.
I'm going to reiterate my opinion on this. I believe you will not only survive Z Day. I believe you are going to kick arse and take names. TBM style. Even if you are TZ. :D
And if no one decides they are going to take you to a range and teach you how to shoot, I will make little training videos and send them your way. Then all you need to do is get an Airsoft gun to practice the fundamentals. And practice using your family as moving targets(or paper targets lol). Then when you are 21 you can get a real gun(or depending on state laws you can try having an adult take you to the range at an earlier age) And then you can be ready for Zday. Oh and if your mom doesn't know how to shoot either you can give the vids and air soft gun to her too. LOL